Communicating much more effectively

Communication-we all try to communicate with those around us but we seem to have a lot of miscommunication going on.  Here is an example from this week.  My son and I went to Great Scotts to get a drink one afternoon.  I generally have a hard rule that I don't want him to drink energy drinks.  He decided that he wanted one and while I was pumping gas, he ordered a drink that contained an energy drink.  I was very angry and communicated that in the store which was an embarrassing situation for all of us and probably the lady helping us behind the counter.  What was the reason for the extreme reaction to ordering a drink, my interpretation of what I believe energy drinks are responsible for.  Whether what I think is true or not, I have assigned meaning to drinking energy drinks that my son doesn't realize and therefore, he believes that I am totally over reacting.  Hence, we have a miscommunication.  Luckily, I had just had my Family Relations class where we had been discussing communicating in more effective ways.  As we got in the car, we both apologized to the other and the miscommunication and the effects of my over reacting and his ordering a drink that he knows I don't want him to have were softened because we want to have an harmonious relationship. 

That is just one small example from a very short interaction about something that wasn't very important in the long run.  What happens when the stakes are so much higher?  We have families who only communicate very superficially or their communication creates conflict.  So, what did we learn this week.  Really cool stuff that I wish I had known when I was newly married. 

Most of the information we learned comes from a book by David Burns MD called Feeling Good Together. 

We learned about the 5 Keys of Effective Communication
1.  Disarming-Finding truth in what someone says to you even if it is critical instead of becoming defensive
2.  Empathy-Look for the emotions that the person is trying to communicate to you, anger sometimes is communicated when the emotions are really hurt or fear
3.  Gentile Inquiry-Tell me more about what you are feeling and why?
4.  I feel statements:  When  (state the event)
                                    I feel (and emotion word that you feel)
                                    because  (the effects of the event or your interpretation of the event)
                                    I would like    (express how you would like the communication to go)
5.  Express genuine appreciation

This looks difficult and I am sure at first it will be but we all want to have close intimate relationships where we feel understood and appreciated by those we love.  I think it is worth the effort and the pay off is a lot less miscommunication and hurt or angry feelings. 


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