Parenting a teenager, yikes!!!!
This last week in our Family Relations class, it was very timely for me as we discussed Parenting of a Teen and I happen to be embarking on a new experience of being a newly single mom of a 14 year old boy, I am feeling a little bit intimidated at the prospect. My husband and I were such a good team with our 4 other grown kids when they were teenagers so doing this alone is really scary. Boys, especially teenage boys need their dad. It is bittersweet that I can refer back to his Dad and what he would say or do. Bitter that he isn't here with us anymore to say or do those things that he knew how to do perfectly to help boys become men but sweet that we have both had such wonderful experiences with him up to this point. The class material was such a great reminder for me.
While my son looks like a man child at 6 foot 1 and 220 lbs, the things we discussed, I could see how important they are to him and where I am falling short sometimes. The parenting technique was laid out by Michael Popkin and called Active Parenting. I loved what he said about the purpose of parenting. "The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they have to live in." In the process of trying to raise children, Parents also grow and change. Being a parent is the most rewarding, wonderful things and the most frustrating and difficult thing to do at the same time. It doesn't seem possible that I could love anyone more than I love my children, because their success in life is so vitally important to me, the stakes and really high in getting the parenting thing right. I believe the things I learned from Popkins are so important especially for an emerging adult.
Popkin posits that when a teens needs are met, the majority of the "problems" generally associated with teenagers will largely disappear. He lists 5 things that teens need as they practice becoming adults with our direction.
1. Contact and Belonging- It is easy to give lots of loving contact to small children. Teenagers, not so much. It takes a conscious effort. They often act like they are too cool for a hug from their mom but, they need physical contact, eye contact, and emotional contact. They also need to feel like they belong to the family that they are an important part and that they contribute to the well being of the family. Contributing makes a teen feel important and needed.
2. Power- Teens need to have some power over some of the decisions in their life. Studies show that kids who feel very little power over their own lives, are more likely to rebel and to try to control others. We want a teen to practice making good thoughtful decisions, if they don't have practice making decisions that have small consequence to learn, when big decisions come around, they won't have the skills necessary to make them in a thoughtful and careful manner. This also happens when parents try to solve all of their problems for them, shielding them from natural consequences of their actions.
3. Protection- My 14 year old son does not need my physical protection but he does need me to protect him from psychological pain. I need to teach him to be assertive by modeling the behavior myself. When he feels like he can tell me how he is feeling, together, I can teach him to mitigate the psychologically damaging feelings that sometimes accompany things that happen in our lives. I also need to teach him to be forgiving. Sometimes people are just mean. Sometimes we all say things that hurt others, life is so much happier if we all learn to forgive. I can do that for him by modeling the behavior. If I don't hold a grudge, against him or others, hopefully he will learn not to hold grudges too.
4. Withdrawal- Teens need to learn to step back in order to not allow a negative situation to escalate. If when we have a problem, if I can step back and not address the problem until the high emotions are relaxed, the problem will be much easier to address. We don't always use rational behavior when emotions are high. That is a volatile situation for anyone but especially for a teenager.
5. Challenges- We all learn and gain self esteem when we conquer something that is challenging and requires us to grow. Teenagers are no different. As parents, we need to encourage teenagers to try difficult things and to help them develop the courage to to try and learn instead of looking at it as a try and fail. Very few people who are skilled need to take undue risks.
As I learned about these essential things every teenager needs to have, I see that I have some work to do. Because we all grow from challenges, I am feeling very grateful that my son is such a great kid. I can help him to become even better.
The last thing that stuck with me in this lecture was the quote, "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never satisfy you." I am determined to help my son get what he needs so he doesn't spend his time searching for those things that will never satisfy him.
While my son looks like a man child at 6 foot 1 and 220 lbs, the things we discussed, I could see how important they are to him and where I am falling short sometimes. The parenting technique was laid out by Michael Popkin and called Active Parenting. I loved what he said about the purpose of parenting. "The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they have to live in." In the process of trying to raise children, Parents also grow and change. Being a parent is the most rewarding, wonderful things and the most frustrating and difficult thing to do at the same time. It doesn't seem possible that I could love anyone more than I love my children, because their success in life is so vitally important to me, the stakes and really high in getting the parenting thing right. I believe the things I learned from Popkins are so important especially for an emerging adult.
Popkin posits that when a teens needs are met, the majority of the "problems" generally associated with teenagers will largely disappear. He lists 5 things that teens need as they practice becoming adults with our direction.
1. Contact and Belonging- It is easy to give lots of loving contact to small children. Teenagers, not so much. It takes a conscious effort. They often act like they are too cool for a hug from their mom but, they need physical contact, eye contact, and emotional contact. They also need to feel like they belong to the family that they are an important part and that they contribute to the well being of the family. Contributing makes a teen feel important and needed.
2. Power- Teens need to have some power over some of the decisions in their life. Studies show that kids who feel very little power over their own lives, are more likely to rebel and to try to control others. We want a teen to practice making good thoughtful decisions, if they don't have practice making decisions that have small consequence to learn, when big decisions come around, they won't have the skills necessary to make them in a thoughtful and careful manner. This also happens when parents try to solve all of their problems for them, shielding them from natural consequences of their actions.
3. Protection- My 14 year old son does not need my physical protection but he does need me to protect him from psychological pain. I need to teach him to be assertive by modeling the behavior myself. When he feels like he can tell me how he is feeling, together, I can teach him to mitigate the psychologically damaging feelings that sometimes accompany things that happen in our lives. I also need to teach him to be forgiving. Sometimes people are just mean. Sometimes we all say things that hurt others, life is so much happier if we all learn to forgive. I can do that for him by modeling the behavior. If I don't hold a grudge, against him or others, hopefully he will learn not to hold grudges too.
4. Withdrawal- Teens need to learn to step back in order to not allow a negative situation to escalate. If when we have a problem, if I can step back and not address the problem until the high emotions are relaxed, the problem will be much easier to address. We don't always use rational behavior when emotions are high. That is a volatile situation for anyone but especially for a teenager.
5. Challenges- We all learn and gain self esteem when we conquer something that is challenging and requires us to grow. Teenagers are no different. As parents, we need to encourage teenagers to try difficult things and to help them develop the courage to to try and learn instead of looking at it as a try and fail. Very few people who are skilled need to take undue risks.
As I learned about these essential things every teenager needs to have, I see that I have some work to do. Because we all grow from challenges, I am feeling very grateful that my son is such a great kid. I can help him to become even better.
The last thing that stuck with me in this lecture was the quote, "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never satisfy you." I am determined to help my son get what he needs so he doesn't spend his time searching for those things that will never satisfy him.
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